Surprise critique for a job hunter

A surprise arrived in my email today - an unsolicited critique of my resume.  I guess I had uploaded a resume in response to a job posting and an affiliated company had taken it upon themselves to look it over (or so I thought). My resume was awarded a respectable score of 70%.

As an active job hunter, advice in any form is a total bonus, so I eagerly logged in to find out what these kind folks had to say about it. As an introduction, I have taken an unconventional approach to my resume because a) that's who I am, and b) I am showcasing writing and design talents (in addition to awesome content knowledge).

The company explained that they used their proprietary software and a resume consultant to arrive at this score. I love this assessment:

Your role tends to carry with it an air of importance or significance in the workplace. This is simply a fact. Your resume needs to carry that same air about it (and about you).

But then they go on to shoot their foot. 

The good news is you've included a career summary in your resume, which is the right choice for someone of your experience level. Here is the career summary that we evaluated: 

"Strategic management consultancy, 17,000+ employees in 100 offices."

The not-so-great news? Your career summary needs more work to be truly effective.

Um, that's a description of my employer, McKinsey & Company, not my career summary. Here's a comment on structure:

It looks like your resume could use more bullets in certain sections. 

At McKinsey, we live and breathe bullets - I stopped counting after 120 bullet points.

Voila! They examined the length of my resume and declare it too long. 

Right now your resume is just too [damned] long to be effective (about 2149 words). 
Emphasis mine. 

To clarify, I have structured it more as a portfolio. 1 page is cover, 2 pages resume, 1 page skills, 2 pages SNA overview, and 1 page workplan. Yes, 7 pages in all of fascinating reading! 

Ah, it's all a marketing ploy. Yes, for $229 I can have a resume consultant write me a new resume that fixes all the apparent problems. Geez. How can I take any of this seriously when it is clear that no human eyes fell on the screen, the assessment is riddled with errors, and it's clear they don't understand me or my needs. 

Well, I'll have to live with 70% - not too bad for a newbie. I am happy to share my resume, just send me an email.